Marriage Counseling - Divorce Checklist - Relationship Questionnaire - Infidelity

Lee Raffel, M.S.W., is founder and clinical director of Awareness Counseling Services, Inc. She has counseled couples for more than 25 years using the CS method.

Review

"I bought this book as if looking for permission to do what I thought I wanted to do. I ate it up, because it gives such clear directions--with thorough explanations of every term or idea with case studies & every-day real-life examples. It is so fair to both parties in a relationship that my husband--who had fought this trongly--was willing to accept it, discuss it (!!!), and even plan a date that was more financially feasible for this to work! Meanwhile I have a therapist who against all ethical rules of her profession, keeps interjecting her opinion & retracting it (one week she TELLS me to leave the guy, the next week she's ok that I didn't, adding to my confusion!), making my stuckness even worse. I'm stuck still, after reading this book, because my husband took me seriously when he saw this book on the coffee table every night, obviously well read, ear marked, highlighted, etc. LOL NOW he's listening, NOW he's paying attention & changing the harmful behaviors I could not live with. This book still sits there on the coffee table, the contract still sits on my computer hard drive where I saved "our" version & it is all ready to use at a moment's notice. This makes it easier to take one last look at the possibility of staying together. The sample contract is in the front of the book--the rest of the book explains how the contract works. Each couple can customize the contract specifically for their own issues--but the reason the rating is a 4 instead of a flat out 5 is that it does NOT include sample contracts for different situations, nor examples of how to fill out the contract specifically. Still, it gives enough information that couples could choose to do this easily without a therapist's guidance if desired, and in case that worked better for him & I to do this on our own (without my therapist making it worse with her own issues projected into ours). We're both discovering our dysfunctional family roots & the damage caused in our childhood from abuse, neglect, being forced to create false selves because our real one's weren't acceptable to our mentally sick parents. This journey is bringing us together in a healing way to change our self-defeating behaviors. I chose him because of a sick part of myself just as he chose me for his own sick reasons. Now we're rooting out those issues & have hope. It ALL started with THIS book, as we both knew if we split there would be no coming back. Good luck on your journey & if you too are stuck & can't decide because one day your SO is being great but most days suck, this book gives you the clear directions you need to get UN-stuck, however that may work out for YOU. And if a separation IS in the picture, this is the fairest version going to keep you (or create) advocates instead of adversaries. "

"For the simple reason that it gives a thumbs-up to adultery. Really. As part of the separation contract that couples draw up, if one spouse wants to "date" others, then, without negotiation, it is contracted that s/he be allowed to do so. No wonder so many of the marriages talked about in this book end up in divorce. Save your money "

"If you have been in a marriage relationship for sometime, as I have, and yet that relationship is less healthy than you believe it should be, this book may be for you. I found this book to offer a plan that is a sensible alternative to giving up, getting ugly, or even "making do". Not everyone is angry and wants out of a marriage, at least not without trying everthing possible to mend or reinvigorate the relationship. Lee Raffel offers a blueprint for exploring whether or not a relationship can be "fixed" or saved. Because Raffel's suggestion of controlled separation is negotiated between the two parties, there is buy-in by both parties, at least on some level. Raffel clearly and succinctly lays out the plan, even offering assistance with the negotiating part of the process. She includes everything from how to broach the subject with your spouse, how to tell the kids, how to handle the money, whether or not to seek professional counseling, etc. The book is not written in a "clinical" manner; it is written for the average reader. Also, there are many examples of each step in the process that helpfully illustrate the details from Raffel's case studies. It is my belief that anyone who may cousel or give advice to someone whose marriage is less than satisfying should read this book. I would think that in particular pastors, who may not be as skilled as they would like when dealing with couples in crisis, might find this a helpful technique to utilize. "

"Unfortunately, this book does a poor job of bridging a gap in marital therapy self-help books. It seems a pity that there is little, if any, information out there covering the territory between books on how to save your marriage and those on how to divorce. Thus, I had high hopes to get a fresh perspective when ordering this book. What a disappointment. The basic idea of a planned separation is an interesting one, and probably helpful in some (perhaps many) situations. But this book is so poorly written that it takes a strong stomach indeed to wade through it. Filled with cutesy acronyms and psychobabble jingles, be sure to have a barf bag nearby. And the book sorely needs reworking by a competent editor to pare down her blatant and transparent self-promotion. Seinfeld could do a great episode lampooning the author- she comes through as a pathetically insecure person who can't separate her needs from those of her patients. More space is wasted on her bragging than practical (or even theoretical) advice. If her painfully self-referential style and anecdotes had some substance it would be OK, but one ends up feeling like the person deriving the most benefit from the book is the author. Perhaps the only one. But It's even more frightening to think of her attempting to function as a therapist. Scary. Somebody stop her before she writes again!"

"You know that you are in an unhealthy relationship. And, you have repeatedly PROVEN you cannot work it out under the same roof. But you don't want a divorce. And you don't want things to stay the same.... Whoah: There is another option to those 2 extremes! CONTROLLED separation. {Note: 2 Marriage therapists got rich off us & FAILED us because they lacked this vision. To them: PLEASE READ THIS BOOK. Can't hurt to add to your repetoire!} This book helped me break that paralyzing fear of staying 10 more years VS. cutting all ties & being suddenly alone. It gives you structure. You work out your own contract, with or without therapists. Once apart, you can conduct a productive exploration of your self & your relationship. And talk to each other as you decide, on a VERY limited schedule, to see how it is going. No fault finding, no blaming. (We each have therapists and support groups on the wagon for this venting.) Read chapter "My Marriage is Making Me Sick" first. Then, read the "Differences between trial and controlled sep.". This was better for my husband's attention span. Then, he was hooked. Then get a 6 month lease somewhere. If you have a verbally/emotionally distant, abusive or very insensitive mate, this may mean PEACE for you the 1st time in years. THE GOAL IS: Happy, healthy reunification. But -- If nothing else, this approach lets you KNOW you tried EVERYTHING you could before divorcing. And you learn how to avoid similarly BAD partner match-ups for the future. "