Marriage counseling - Listening

In marriage counseling sessions the Listening skill are promoted and practised with the aim of determining the root cause of a relationship conflict. An experienced marriage counselor knows that break down in relationships are often caused by communication failures between the couples, as such understanding and practicing listening skills is vital to ascertaining the root cause of the most relationship conflicts. Effective Listening skills can only be made possible when the following has been mastered; Focus on understanding, Become comfortable with silences, Give timely feedback or subtle gestures and finally Don't compare.

Focus on understanding when listening

When people are faced with emotionally charged situations the primary focus becomes one of self-preservation. This behavioral trait is also observed in relationship conflicts where the natural response to a perceived attack becomes one of defensive posturing. A by-product of this defensive posturing is Selective Listening, where a person will only register the information that is perceived as useful to winning an argument, or of significant relevance to one's self. However, Selective Listening makes it hard for a person to fully understand and appreciate other people's point of view, as the information absorbed will be highly subjective. This is inevitably felt by the other person, which then leads to feelings of extreme frustration and anger. These negative feelings will then act as the catalyst to fuelling the argument even further. It is therefore important to fully listen to and focus on what is being said.

When listening be comfortable with silences

A well-timed silence in conversation can often be an incredibly effective tool to encouraging a person to reveal more information than they would otherwise volunteer. This is because in a conversation correctly timed silences can be unnerving for the other person, which is then compensated for through talking. Silence can therefore be used very effectively to encourage a partner to reveal the most inner feelings, emotions and thoughts that they may not necessarily do so under usual circumstances. Adopting the correct body language is also vital to ensuring the silence is not misconstrued as indifference. In projecting the right body language it is important to maintain eye contact in conjunction with timely feedbacks and subtle gestures.

Give timely feedback and subtle gestures when listening

A successful communication process relies on both parties feeling they are being listened to and are understood. Therefore, when using silence as a way of encouraging communication in a partner, it should always be accompanied with timely feedbacks or subtle gestures that provides acknowledgement that the conversation is being understood. The importance of using subtle gestures are highly under-rated in a conversation, as a person can provide acknowledgement of understanding without interrupting the flow of the conversation. These subtle gestures are usually restricted to head region, such as a small nod or shacking of the head.

Don't compare

It is important to resist the urge to counter what is being told with an anecdote from one's own life. In doing so, it is likely to interrupt the flow of conversation, shifting the focus away from the other partner and preventing them from making any further revelations of deep-seated feelings, thoughts and emotions.

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