Marriage Counseling - Divorce Checklist - Relationship Questionnaire - Infidelity

For those struggling to decide if a relationship is worth trying to save, Kirshenbaum (clinical director, Chestnut Hill Inst.) knows the issues and explains them clearly, presenting 36 well-phrased and well-ordered diagnostic questions, giving examples, and then succinctly offering guidelines to follow. Those who give certain answers to the diagnostic questions will be faced not only with a realization of how deep the problems may be but also with Kirshenbaum's repeated admonitions that "most people who answered the question the way you did were happy they left and unhappy they stayed." Her emphatic prescriptions for such nuanced problems, as well as her promise that "new hope is now entirely realistic for you" and assurance that "there are definite answers for you here," should make most readers wary. But Kirshenbaum does caution that "nothing in the book overrules what a good therapist...might tell you," and she will help readers sort out ambivalent feelings about relationships. For larger public library collections.?Susan E. Burdick, Reading, Pa. Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Reviews

"After a 20+ year marriage to a decent guy who was a good provider but not in any way my true friend, lover or life's partner, I had tried everything imaginable to make sense of my commitment -- especially because we had two children. I sought years of psychotherapy, read a library's worth of self-help books, listened to every "relationship expert" from Tony Grant to Barbara DeAngelis to Dr. Laura, always searching, concentrating to the point of exhaustion, to glean that essential kernel of truth that would illuminate the path I should take to find acceptance and happiness. But I could find no peace, no resolution, no answers. FINALLY, this book gave me the tools I needed to understand the many issues and problems that weighed so heavily in my marraige. Mira Kirshenbaum provided the template I needed to lay over my decades of ambivalence. Her direct, snappy writing style was a breeze to read. Her observations cogent and concise. She makes no bones about taking a clear stand and expressing a firm opinion about whether people where happier that they stayed or left a relationship when the issues she explored were identifed as problems. She gave me the language to articulate and define my marital problems. It became undeniably clear to me that I would be happier if I left. With tremendous relief and some real trepidation, I gave myself the freedom to leave for my 46th birthday present. Fast forward two years -- I have never been happier! I recently reread the book and my second thorough reading reinforced my initial interpretations. I am now using Kirshenbaum's criteria to judge whether my current relationship meets my needs in the categories that are most important to me. YEAH! Success! This book has even helped me explain the complexities of relationships to my own daughters and what makes for a quality relationship with a long term chance for success. For the first time as an adult I am living an authentic life that I am proud to model for my children. I am absolutely sure that this book saved my life! I am grateful beyond words for the clarity that this book provided. You will be too! "

"I first needed this book -- okay, I needed it before I married. I recognize now that I needed it in 1988, when the pain and confusion were enormous, and the counseling I received was, to put it generously, ridiculous. But Kirshenbaum hadn't yet written the book. Then I needed it in 1995, when totally on the fence. But Kirshenbaum hadn't yet published. Finally she did, in 1996 (hardcover), and even though I'd already made the decision to leave, and knew somehow it was right, I bought the book. Gosh, how come I wasn't taught all this stuff before?!? Too Good To Leave is not only the book you pick up when you're on the fence. It's not just the book you turn to to make sure you made the best choice under the circumstances. It's the book you refer to again and again and again to help you learn what IS a healthy relationship, what IS love. Because in showing us what ill-health can look like, Kirshenbaum also teaches those of us who just didn't get it what we can look for in the future, when our hearts decide to risk again. This is an easy read: each chapter is structured the same way, with the issue, circumstances, diagnostic questions, couples examples from Kirshenbaum's practice (she provides therapy in the Boston area), and guidelines...are most people in this particular situation happier if they leave or if they stay? She begins with the incredibly painful (are you being beaten?) and moves through the book toward less and less clearcut circumstances. Take Chapter 8, for example: "What Is This Thing Called Love?" The issue: is there any real love left? Kirshenbaum reviews what people know of love (not a whole lot, it develops), discusses feeling and perceptions, and hits a diagnostic question: "In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely LIKE your partner, and does your partner seem to like you?" A poser, right? So Kirshenbaum walks you through her experience with Ann (married to Dave) who has had to work through this question. Does she really like Dave? Or does she merely like what Dave likes? Painful. Very painful. But healthy, because the guideline Ann must confront is, "If it's clear to you that basically and overall you just don't like your partner, then your love is a ghost... Quick take: In the long run -- no like, no love." (The quick takes, available with each guideline,are wonderfully useful as memorizable, immediate reminders.) Kirshenbaum continues through the chapter with different examples of couples wondering if love is present, with more guidelines and suggestions for unraveling the knots. This is powerful healing, because it names the problem. In medicine, the terror that comes with extraordinary pain can be eased by words: "Sounds like a kidney stone." Definition removes confusion removes fear. Just so does Kirshenbaum, in defining what we know is present, ease our hearts. We're not crazy. There is something odd here. And we are not alone in our perceptions. By showing us what is unhealthy in relationships, then, Kirshenbaum also teaches what is healthy. You've got to have like, to have love. Quick take #7: "Power people poison passion." Okay...so passion flowers where neither partner is into power. Quick take #28: "Time heals all healable wounds." But some wounds are so severe, and some partners so unwilling to act in healing ways, that the relationship is not a healing one. Okay...look not for partners who seem perfect, but for partners who are both unwilling to harm, and willing to heal. Where was Kirshenbaum when I was 12? I've grown so much from this book. Buy it, borrow it, somehow READ it before 2001 arrives. Bring your new learning with you into the new year. "

"I was looking in a bookstore for a book on divorce when I came across this book. The title jumped out me because of my three-year struggle in deciding to leave my nine-year marriage. This was a book I needed to read!! Kirshenbaum amazingly zeroed in on what my main problem was--that of balancing the pros on cons of my marriage and then trying to decide. According to her, that's the problem, not the solution. That's exactly what I was doing for those years, and like she says --it'll drive you crazy! her approach was a more dianostic way in which she seperates the aspects of your marriage and ask you: well, how is it, and is it that bad (or good)? She acknowleges that all situations are different but at the same time they seem to have common denominators that help her see that certain underlying factors can undermine a marriage to a point in which a person can say "Enough is enough". She realistic in presenting that to her readers. The descion I made (which is leaving) is the most painful, heartbreaking choice I've ever made. But I thank this author for the ability for me to reach this decision which even my wife agrees is the best for the both of us. It took this book for me to come to that point. "

"I purchased this book late summer/early fall as I thought about whether to stay in or leave a 20 plus yr relationship.Obviously when one has been involved w/another person for that long there is a lot of mixed emotions, and it is usually not easy to make a clear cut decision as to what to do with the relationship.What I really liked about this book was it helped to analyze many different facets of the relationship.It helped to make a difficult decision for me a bit easier.The book helped me realize what the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship were.I would have to say the book wasn't pro-leaving or pro-staying in the relationship.Instead it helped each person who read the book to analyze their own relationships and to weigh the options.I have bought copies of this book for others in a similiar situation to read.I have reread parts of this book since I made my decision and I know for me I made the right decision.Even if one is not thinking about ending a relationship I think this book provides some very powerful insights into the dynamics of different relationships.I highly suggest that someone who "is on the fence" decision-wise about their relationship read this book.It may give them the courage to end their relationship and move on with their lives or else the knowledge that the relationship is worth staying in and working on.Many thanks to the author for such a personally useful book.Good luck to other readers as they read this book.I pray that they find it helpful and gain the insight they need in order to make the best personal decision for them in their relationships. "

"I bought this book because I have been unsure for along time if my relationship was worth moving forward or walking away. The book is very easy to read and has some really good ideas!! The questions they ask you are easy to answer and it makes questions you had before seem clear. I would definately recommend this book to anyone having doubt and concerns about staying together! "

"I bought 2 copies of this book when my husband told me he was having an affair and wanted out of our 14-year marriage--one for him and one for me. I thought it would help us evaluate our relationship. We read it at the same time and compared notes. The vast majority of our answers told us that it was "too bad to stay." I must admit that the book is written rather masterfully in the way it leads the reader through various relationship issues, sparking some pretty valuable introspection. But with that one benefit aside, I warn other readers that THIS BOOK IS VERY DANGEROUS! If you're the one who wants out of a relationship, this book will give you all kinds of self-centered justifications for getting out. But if you actually value the sanctity of marriage and family, you'll have a hell of a time getting the "exit-prone" party to reconsider after they have read this book. (One exception: If you or your children are being physically abused, stop reading this and get out NOW!) Excruciatingly painful as it was, I managed to hold on. I vowed to myself that I would do "whatever it takes" to save our family. My husband agreed to see a marriage counselor with me after I explained how seeing a counselor would help us understand where we went wrong in our relationship so we could avoid those mistakes in our future relationships. (I think using that psychology is the only way he would have agreed to it.) Fast forward... it has been 6 months since we began seeing the counselor and we're still together, doing better than we ever thought we could. Although my husband continued the affair for several weeks after we began with the counselor, he did end the relationship and I'm confident (in fact, I know) he is no longer involved with "that woman." As the saying goes, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." It holds true for my marriage, and many other marriages. More people would actually find happiness if they would simply stop looking at marriage and children as disposable relationships.... Here's the rub: If you're looking for a way out of your relationship, reading this book will make it really easy for you--you'll find lots of shallow justifications. But if you really want a good relationship, find a counselor that will help you look inside, rather than outside, yourself for the answers. Two books I recommend instead: "His Needs, Her Needs" (Harley) and "Take Back Your Marriage" (Doherty). "