marriage counseling - Parenting

Each parent tends to have their own checklist of things you perceive your parents did wrong, and you are determined never to repeat as parents. After all its only natural to want what we perceive is the best for our children. But what parents have to understand is that no two person has the same experiences when growing up, which means each person is determined not to make the same mistakes they perceive their parents had made. But this difference in upbringing experience would inevitably result in some heated disagreements, specially as each partner feels its the well fare of their child that is at risk here.

Unfortunately, in such situations everyone involved looses out, including the children. Its very disconcerting for children to see their parents arguing about them. Even if the child feels that they have got what they wanted, there will still be a huge element of guilt for causing their parents to fight. In general, mothers often feel they are defending their children against a perceived aggressor, which leaves the father feeling betrayed. Before the argument heats up, its important for both parent to keep in mind that they both equally love their children and are probably doing what they feel is at the best interest of the children. So, if disagreements over upbringing arises then its important to discuss the issue and try to understand the differences in points of view. Once this is done, both parent can rationally, and jointly, make a decision as to the best coarse of action.

Even if one parent feels anger at the fact that the other is upsetting their child with a harsh tone or an autocratic behavior, the last thing they should do is to step in and intervene at the heat of the moment (unless the child is actually being physically abused). By intervening at the heat of the moment your partner will only feel not only betrayed but also that they are about to loose face in front of their child, which will fuel and aggravate the situation further. Also, from the child's perspective, it only goes to emphasis that the situation is as bad as they think cause both parents are fighting over this. This feeling in the child is then further extenuated because the child feels they are the cause of their parent's disagreements. This feeling of guilt is often far worse for the child to come to terms with than one parent's speaking harshly to them. Its therefore far more constructive to everyone if the discussion about the child's upbringing is done at another time and away from the child's presence.

If this difference in upbringing styles is not resolved in a rational way, then one parent would build a bond with the child at the expense of the other. However, because this may feel good, the partner with the bond may start to encourage this bond even further and not even notice that the other parent has become slowly excluded and alienated. If one parent feels excluded then the first step is to acknowledge this and discuss it in a calm and rational way, but not in the presence of the child. If there is no choice but to have a disagreement in front of the child then its important to ensure that the matter of disagreement is treated as a "debate of difference of opinion" rather than a "fight". Under no circumstance should the children see the parents fighting. Having a rational "debate" in front of the child is in fact healthy as it shows the child that its perfectly normal for two people to have a difference in opinion and how they should deal with it.