Marriage Counseling - Divorce checklist

What does a child feel when his/ her parents are getting divorced?

Most people do not realise that Marriage Counseling is not just about helping couples with marital disputes, but its also about helping the children cope with their parent's divorce. It is important for the parents to understand what kids feel during a divorce, and how to help them cope and come to terms with it.

Children often exhibit one or more of the following:

• They feel they are the cause of conflict (please see marriage counseling - conflict for understanding this further) between the parents.
• Feeling responsible for getting the parents back together
• They become physically and/ or mentally ill, unless the child can understand how to cope with the parent's divorce.
• Their behavior may become either aggressive (specially towards other kids in school, which more often than not leads to bullying other kids), or, become withdrawn.
• They feel a sense of loss. The Divorce Statistics has shown that children faced with divorce exhibit the same symptoms as the ones who are trying to come to terms with the death of a parent.
• As they grow up, they are also never going to forget their personal pain, which means in almost every case, it will have an impact on their own future relationships.
• They could also develop self-esteem problems. This will often show itself in the form of either bullying or being withdrawn.

Helping kids cope with Divorce

It is vital to ensure that your children do not develop future psychological problems. Remember not to assume children know what is going to happen to them, as in almost every case, the child will find it extremely difficult to understand what is happening. So, what could you do to help ease the impact of divorce on children:

• Do not wait until the actual divorce date before you tell the children you are getting divorced. Children are not stupid. They know something is seriously wrong and this uncertainty as to whether or not they are going to loose one of their parent is a slow torture for them. They tend to have an active imagination, which when faced with the divorce of their parents, tends to go into over drive. This results in the child creating dark and often horrible scenarios in their heads! This could range from one parent hurting the other during an argument, to the child having to fend for him/ her self without either parents being there to take care of him/ her. Its for this reason that once you have decided on divorce that you should inform your children as soon as possible and explain to them exactly what is going on, what they should expect and exactly how the divorce will effect them.
• When telling the children that you are no longer going to live together then make sure you tell them together with both of you present. This create's a sense of security as they will then know its what both parents want. Also, ensure that under no circumstance you place the blame of divorce on each other and ensure that things are kept very simple so the child/ children can understand and come to terms with them.
• Ensure you make it clear for your children that the divorce is NOT their fault.
• Ensure that you reassure the children to help them understand that you are both going to still love them and that how you feel towards them has not and is not going to change.
• Acknowledge that this whole situation is difficult and sad for everyone.

What the parents must NOT do

The distress kids feel is a common side effect of any divorce, however, this emotional instability will become a matter of serious concern when:

• The parents have long and messy custody battles.
• One parent try's to involve the child in the middle of a row or expects the child to take sides.
• One parent openly blames the other for the divorce.
• The parents try to make the child choose sides.