Marriage Counseling - Recovering from a breakup

Recovering from a breaking up can be assisted by:

• Not dwell on the past

  Stop focusing on the "why" and the "how". The most common feeling is "what did I do wrong" or "how I could have kept my ex". The need to go over what has happened is far too great, but it is this feeling that slows down the process of recovering. This is in a way your mind trying to hold on to what could have been. Its important to let go of the past and move on. Although this is easier said than done. There are several ways to help you do this:

  • Do not listen to romantic music or movies.

    One of the worst things you could do is to listen to romantic music or watch romantic movies. It is far too tempting to do this when you feel your heart is broken. Its in effect a form of escaping the reality of what has happened by creating a romantic scenario in your own head, one where you and your ex are still romantically involved. To help with the recovery, it is important to snap out of this dream world and see the home truth. Research has also shown that listening to romantic music and watching romantic movies will actually delay the process of recovery. Force yourself to listen to a happy music.

  • Its perfectly normal to see your ex as a "perfect" partner and to forget their annoying habits and shortfalls. It is important that you make a list of and focus on your ex's flaws. Even though most people reading this will say "but my ex honestly did not have any flaws or bad habits"!! EVERYONE has flaws and its important that you focus on them rather on your romantic time together. This is in fact one of the best ways to help your recovering process.
  • Hide away any item that reminds you of your ex.

    Any reminders that you have around the house will only hold you back from moving on. Reminders are dangerous, especially photographs of times when you were happy. You do not have to destroy them but it is highly recommended that you put everything in a box and ask a friend to look after it for you. This will stop you feeling tempted to open the box just to rekindle the "memories".

• Talk to others when you feel down

  Do not feel you are alone. Listening to your problems will make your friends and family understand what you are going through and provide the necessary support you need. Even if you have to see a marriage counselor, it is important that you talk about your feelings when you are down. Recovering from a breakup is more likely to happen if you share your feelings. Also, people who are emotionally vulnerable are far less likely to contemplate suicide if they talk to someone about their problems.

• Find yourself

  Make a note of things you used to love about yourself before you got into a relationship with your ex. People often loose their identities when they are involved in a loving relationship. This is perfectly normal and healthy, but only while you are involved in a relationship. The recovering process can not be complete until you find yourself once again. It is also for this reason that you should not be getting into another relationship on a "rebound", as you will inevitably pass some of your "baggage" onto your new partner, often unknowingly.

• Make a list

  Make a note of all the qualities which you have and the shortfalls that your ex had. Then, use this list to remind yourself that this is why you deserve someone much better than your ex.

• Get out and about

  Although the temptation is not to be around people, it is important that you make a conscious effort to do so. This helps to distract your mind from thinking too much about your ex. Ideally you should try and force yourself to go to places where there is lots of "fun and happiness" (but not places where the emphasis is placed on mainly couples).

• Delete your ex's phone number, email and all other contact details, if possible

  Part of the pain you experience from the breakup is because you feel rejected and "unwanted". By you deleting your ex's contact details, along with anything else that reminds you of them, you will feel in control and that you have taken a conscious decision to reject "them". This inturn will inevitably make the recovering process far more easier. In addition, this will take away the temptation in negatively influencing your ex into taking you back (e.g. crying on the phone, threats, anger etc.). You could be using this energy and time in recovering from the breakup and moving on to a happier relationship.

Only once you have managed to find your own identity and "worth" can you move on, and remember to seek professional help if you need to talk to someone.